Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Shifting...

I read over my posts and then,... begins this rollercoaster ride of thoughts and discoveries that vary from one extreme to the other... none ever resting solidly for too long, before they are disturbed by another random, clashing point of view.
This year I feel a shift... in my blood, my being, my soul. And I already feel that who I was even 4 months ago is no comparison to who I've now become and yet I already sense many more major shifts in the making. Maybe it will be one small discovery, belief, transition... but I feel it will send me to a new place, somewhere I've longed to go for quite some time.
And, randomly: Now we're in counseling... so things in my marriage are much stronger these days. I was so fearful that I was done, but I realized that much of my being fed up was simply that I was fed up with me....

(We tend to not realize that when we are most disappointed in someone, disgusted, saddened... it is that we are really, truly, subconsciously saddened, disgusted and disappointed in ourselves. We see something in someone else that we don't want to believe exists within us... and we can't relate until we see... and until we are willing to feel.)

Anyways,
I haven't worked out in 3 weeks... and my god, am I feeling it. I am resuming my routine though... but hate the way my inconsistency brings down my entire sense of self... my entire sense of worth... it's terrible. I need to know that I will resume my workout schedule and feel great again in no time... I need to tell myself that I cannot allow my mind to be so cynical and that I won't allow my mind to tear down all of the hard work I've accomplished. I need to feel more in control... know that I won't allow myself to be so god damned hard on me, my short time lacking of discipline... and that it's so easy to pick up again. RIGHT?
RIGHT.

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