Thursday, November 16, 2006

Out of the Question?

So I read my horoscope today... and there was something that struck me as if a train had run right into my forehead. Yes, it was that intense.

It mentioned the feeling of feeling you have to lose something or give up something in order to gain something else. And I believe that is EXACTLY the struggle that I'm facing.

There is so much of my life that I want to change, be different or pursue. But why do we sometimes feel that it's only accomplishable by an independent drive? Why don't we feel the ability to balance our love and relationships with being self driven and directed on a one mind path? Is it because it IS impossible? Because you cannot allow yourself to be selfish while trying to fulfill the needs of someone you share a life with?

Or is it?

Is it something that only a few of us ever figures out... but when we do, whoever "they" are... they achieve the most complete fulfillment they ever imagined? The absolute best of both worlds?

But we are driven by our emotions, our hearts, our egos... can one person allow another person to find themselves, allow themselves to let go in order to let the person they love the most become the person they've always dreamed of becoming?

Or is this all just unattainable? Must we keep making mistakes in order to find out what we truly want in this life... and in that path, have to hurt and hurt others to achieve it?

Monday, November 13, 2006


So since April, my life has completely transformed into something so unexpected, that I keep wondering if I'll wake up one of these days here soon and realize it was all just a terrible, unbelievable nightmare.
And I keep thinking about the way I feel... and wonder.... is this right? Should I feel the way I do since my life has transformed into the unexpected mess I perceive it to be? Or is something wrong with me? Have I completely lost it?
I turned 26 over the summer.
I'm now in my late twenties. It's the time when you should have everything figured out I feel. The time when fucking off isn't acceptable and being in any sort of limbo isn't ok. I feel stuck. That every step I take is the last place I should be stepping, and that every direction I turn in, is the wrong one.
People look at me and think, oh, she's just a kid. But to me, life was supposed to be so damn different by now. I thought maybe a few dreams would be achieved or in the works, although I have no idea what they are. I thought that maybe I'd have a baby... by now. I thought that my husband would have never gotten injured and that our life would alway have been as perfect and flawless as it once seemed. I thought that maybe by now I would be happy, feel content and feel security about my future and it's direction.
And now none of this exists. EVERYTHING in my life is completely uncertain. Completely.
And I struggle with it every day... EVERY day. It consumes me, drags me down. It makes me feel as though if nothing I've wanted is in my posession now, it is too late. I am doomed. All hope is lost.
And now I have a mind full of regrets. A life full of mistakes I feel I've made. And I hate it.
If I could go back, I would have gone to college, never dated my first serious boyfriend... I wouldn't have so many "nevers." I would have dated more, made more time for me, made smarter decisions, choices I wanted to make that weren't influenced by ANYBODY.
But here I am and now what?
Will this misery pass? Will I feel that eventually, all is NOT lost and that I still have a lifetime of opportunites should I choose to make them happen?

And I keep wondering... why in the fuck am I here? At this place in my life? Somedays I feel like I'm going to completely lose it.

Just lose it.