Monday, April 17, 2006

Fear & Transition

Currently, there is an abundance of transition taking place in my life. How I'd give anything right now to not have to be "grown up."

My husband is self employed; that is scary in itself. He owns a concrete company and is waiting to hear back on a bid that he placed... what if he doesn't get it? He says he's not worried, but my gut tells me differently.

Then there's our new house... expected to be finished in 60 days or so. Our mortgage will triple... god, did I just say triple? Hope things stay strong financially. (gulp)

Then I got a new job... I was excited. I was excited about a step up, a new opportunity, to be part of something bigger and to get the hell out of this job. Now I find that I may be working every weekend... what life will that leave me?

And now I feel stuck; what if this new job doesn't work out, what if I DO work every weekend... what if I just lose my life to this thing called work?

And yes, I always expect the worse. What exactly AM I thinking right now?........

-That my husband won't get the bid and that he'll be out of work or won't find enough work.
-That I'll have to work every weekend for eternity and won't see my husband and won't have a life or free time to myself... and that these circumstances will make my marriage weak.
-That I'll never have the courage to search out what it is that will drive me to the success I know I'm destined to create... that we'll end up stuck, again... god, I'm so scared of my life right now, of this past year of endless transition.

And at the same time, I've met this amazing new friend, Emily... she's two years younger than me and super driven. She was never handed anything in life, got into the real estate market here and is making hundreds of thousands of dollars... and she's 23. Granted she's beautiful and has a body any woman would kill for... but did that really assist her in her achievements? God, if it did I'm screwed.
But we're becoming great friends, and I have a yurning to talk with her, listen to her, hoping some of her ideas and positivity rub off on me. I want to know how she's gotten where she is and what kept her from not holding back... what kept her from not being afraid?! And I want to be her... I don't want to be me. I want to know what it's like to see something and just go for it; not doubting yourself an ounce. Not stopping until you've achieved what it is you set out for and drowning in the rewarding results. Am I even capable of that? I must ask myself.

But then I think too... did I meet Emily for a reason?

So here I am... head spinning in fear and self doubt... running from transition, expecting the world to end, the worst to occur... wanting more than anything to think differently.

I hate that today, all I see is blackness.

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