Monday, April 24, 2006

Hello? Life, is that you?

So right after venting my fear and transition... I get a phone call. It's my husbands brother. He tells me Byron (my husband) is in the hospital.

I ask his brother if he is joking... this can't be happening.

Are you serious?... I ask again.

His tone turned to stone.. and he tells me that Byron's foot has been crushed and that they're rushing him to the hospital here.

My veins fill with adrenaline... and I break into tears. I fear the worst for him... that he no longer has a foot. I wonder... is he in shock? Is he crying? Is he afraid? I fear the worst for the person I love the most and all I can do is wait...

It's now 2:00... he should be to the hospital here in an hour... I can't wait to see him, kiss him and know that he's ok. I can't wait that long... I feel suspended in time, dangling for an update still.

(And earlier this day, I was consumed by things that are simply out of my control. I was absorbed by these issues that had woven me into a black web of self pity and doubt...
and now I've been pierced by something that has made me forget about all of that nothingness... I've been re-centered... reminded in an instant about what is truly important in this life and that things can change in a single phone call. I realized I can go from feeling lost, selfish, angry, resentful and spiteful to vulnerable, selfless, unconditionally concerned and short of breath all while my heart has been ripped out... and truly be reminded that in this life, all that really matters are the things we simply take for granted every day.)

Life has a funny way of slapping us in the face, reminding us that this time is precious and what a significant role all of the people so close to our hearts play in it.

So Byron's foot will be ok... it was severely crushed... all of his toes broken and pinned however, healing.
Life has thrown me into a true "transition"... funny how I felt that earlier that day nothing could feel more transitional... and now it IS, more than ever. Funny how I thought it was so bad and that I couldn't make it through the rest of the day, and then I was put throught something truly shifting... and I've survived. I shed a few tears, gained a couple pounds, have given more of myself than ever, but I've survived.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Fear & Transition

Currently, there is an abundance of transition taking place in my life. How I'd give anything right now to not have to be "grown up."

My husband is self employed; that is scary in itself. He owns a concrete company and is waiting to hear back on a bid that he placed... what if he doesn't get it? He says he's not worried, but my gut tells me differently.

Then there's our new house... expected to be finished in 60 days or so. Our mortgage will triple... god, did I just say triple? Hope things stay strong financially. (gulp)

Then I got a new job... I was excited. I was excited about a step up, a new opportunity, to be part of something bigger and to get the hell out of this job. Now I find that I may be working every weekend... what life will that leave me?

And now I feel stuck; what if this new job doesn't work out, what if I DO work every weekend... what if I just lose my life to this thing called work?

And yes, I always expect the worse. What exactly AM I thinking right now?........

-That my husband won't get the bid and that he'll be out of work or won't find enough work.
-That I'll have to work every weekend for eternity and won't see my husband and won't have a life or free time to myself... and that these circumstances will make my marriage weak.
-That I'll never have the courage to search out what it is that will drive me to the success I know I'm destined to create... that we'll end up stuck, again... god, I'm so scared of my life right now, of this past year of endless transition.

And at the same time, I've met this amazing new friend, Emily... she's two years younger than me and super driven. She was never handed anything in life, got into the real estate market here and is making hundreds of thousands of dollars... and she's 23. Granted she's beautiful and has a body any woman would kill for... but did that really assist her in her achievements? God, if it did I'm screwed.
But we're becoming great friends, and I have a yurning to talk with her, listen to her, hoping some of her ideas and positivity rub off on me. I want to know how she's gotten where she is and what kept her from not holding back... what kept her from not being afraid?! And I want to be her... I don't want to be me. I want to know what it's like to see something and just go for it; not doubting yourself an ounce. Not stopping until you've achieved what it is you set out for and drowning in the rewarding results. Am I even capable of that? I must ask myself.

But then I think too... did I meet Emily for a reason?

So here I am... head spinning in fear and self doubt... running from transition, expecting the world to end, the worst to occur... wanting more than anything to think differently.

I hate that today, all I see is blackness.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Day 15

... so I've made some modifications. By day 11 I felt as if the life had been drained from my very being. I kept feeling as if I was going to black out... had dizzy spells... so maybe just veggies and fruit isn't for me. I've incorporated good, lean proteins and I feel SO much better. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself... I really felt like a "failure" for awhile... but B helped me realize, not everyone can do that for 3 weeks... and I did it for a week and a half with ONLY fruits and veggies... and that makes me proud. So I'm focusing on keeping a clean diet and really being good to my body, exercising, being a "healthy person" but not depriving myself to the point of ridiculous and paying attention to what I need.

My biggest success so far... within the past year losing 20 pounds and going... and the best part, keeping it off. It feels good and even better that I've done it the right way.