Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Pancake

As I said, my motivation would be brief. I felt strong today... until "The Pancake." I forgot to eat a snack today, between breakfast and lunch. I know better. So I go home for lunch and cook up a small healthy meal... and then my craving kicks in... I want something sweet, sinful, naughty... and I want it now. Why can I not fight this urge for temptation? Where has my will power gone? Did the craving seduce my will power as well? Or did I ever really have any?

I should have eaten my snack... my banana was sitting right there on my desk and I ignored it's call.

Oh, so the craving. The chocolate chips in the pantry (the only form of chocolate nearby for blocks) starts taunting me. It begins to remind me how long I've been neglecting it and that we need to have a talk. I cave. Plus... the pancake batter leftover in the fridge begins a partnership with the chips... "it's not right to have one without the other" it says.

So I heat the pan... "But it's the small pan, I remind myself"... my mind races with guilt... overwhelmed by my lack of control, my inability to control. The pancake batter seductively drips onto the hot metal... sizzling at me in tantalizing tones... and the handful of sweet milk chips make their way onto the gooey batter... one... by... one.

After I'd devoured each sinful sweet melted bite, I look back at my weakness... and begin to despise my stomach ache.

Why is it we act in the moment... and where does my will power go to? Why do I have such feelings of guilt and embarassment over a damn pancake?
Because it was "wrong?" But WHY is it so wrong?

Because it seems I never have control for very long. I become aggravated by my lack of it... maybe that's why I'm so angry when I lose control over anything.
This is so much more than just a pancake.

And why did I feel that I needed it so bad? What caused that craving and moment of desperate need?

I'll have to think about this one...

As I regret my stomach ache, the calories, the regression... damnit.

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