Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I've gotta start somewhere...

I wonder about what I "should" write, what I "should" say... I wonder what you are thinking. This is my whole problem. I am so focused on what you're thinking of me, that I can't focus on ME. When I get dressed I wonder what you'll think, what you'll say... how I'll compare. When I go out, I wonder if I'll look as good as you, as skinny as you, get as noticed as much as you do. And you're not just anyone, you're everyone... the girl with the shinier hair, with the perfect skin, with the ideal body, with the smaller feet, with the better conversation, exuding the confidence I envy. So I begin my quest... to stop caring about you and start caring about me. This is affecting my life, my mind and my spirit. It affects my marriage, my friendships... everything about me and my life. And I feel so sick, and so sad... that I'm here... in this place, dying to find a way out. But today is a good sign, I'm taking the steps to share and seek. I'm preparing to accept the pain I've repressed and excrete it from my soul... I'm ready to be who I feel I am inside... I want to let that person out that I know is capable of greatness, believing in herself and inspiring others to do the same. I'm ready to shed the skins of my past, my alcoholic abusive father, my uninvolved, detached mother, my miserable, lonely and depressed adolesence and my desperate need to fit in and be accepted. It's time to learn how to accept myself.

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