Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Shifting...

I read over my posts and then,... begins this rollercoaster ride of thoughts and discoveries that vary from one extreme to the other... none ever resting solidly for too long, before they are disturbed by another random, clashing point of view.
This year I feel a shift... in my blood, my being, my soul. And I already feel that who I was even 4 months ago is no comparison to who I've now become and yet I already sense many more major shifts in the making. Maybe it will be one small discovery, belief, transition... but I feel it will send me to a new place, somewhere I've longed to go for quite some time.
And, randomly: Now we're in counseling... so things in my marriage are much stronger these days. I was so fearful that I was done, but I realized that much of my being fed up was simply that I was fed up with me....

(We tend to not realize that when we are most disappointed in someone, disgusted, saddened... it is that we are really, truly, subconsciously saddened, disgusted and disappointed in ourselves. We see something in someone else that we don't want to believe exists within us... and we can't relate until we see... and until we are willing to feel.)

Anyways,
I haven't worked out in 3 weeks... and my god, am I feeling it. I am resuming my routine though... but hate the way my inconsistency brings down my entire sense of self... my entire sense of worth... it's terrible. I need to know that I will resume my workout schedule and feel great again in no time... I need to tell myself that I cannot allow my mind to be so cynical and that I won't allow my mind to tear down all of the hard work I've accomplished. I need to feel more in control... know that I won't allow myself to be so god damned hard on me, my short time lacking of discipline... and that it's so easy to pick up again. RIGHT?
RIGHT.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Out of the Question?

So I read my horoscope today... and there was something that struck me as if a train had run right into my forehead. Yes, it was that intense.

It mentioned the feeling of feeling you have to lose something or give up something in order to gain something else. And I believe that is EXACTLY the struggle that I'm facing.

There is so much of my life that I want to change, be different or pursue. But why do we sometimes feel that it's only accomplishable by an independent drive? Why don't we feel the ability to balance our love and relationships with being self driven and directed on a one mind path? Is it because it IS impossible? Because you cannot allow yourself to be selfish while trying to fulfill the needs of someone you share a life with?

Or is it?

Is it something that only a few of us ever figures out... but when we do, whoever "they" are... they achieve the most complete fulfillment they ever imagined? The absolute best of both worlds?

But we are driven by our emotions, our hearts, our egos... can one person allow another person to find themselves, allow themselves to let go in order to let the person they love the most become the person they've always dreamed of becoming?

Or is this all just unattainable? Must we keep making mistakes in order to find out what we truly want in this life... and in that path, have to hurt and hurt others to achieve it?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Aging...

So since April, my life has completely transformed into something so unexpected, that I keep wondering if I'll wake up one of these days here soon and realize it was all just a terrible, unbelievable nightmare.
And I keep thinking about the way I feel... and wonder.... is this right? Should I feel the way I do since my life has transformed into the unexpected mess I perceive it to be? Or is something wrong with me? Have I completely lost it?
I turned 26 over the summer.
26.
I'm now in my late twenties. It's the time when you should have everything figured out I feel. The time when fucking off isn't acceptable and being in any sort of limbo isn't ok. I feel stuck. That every step I take is the last place I should be stepping, and that every direction I turn in, is the wrong one.
People look at me and think, oh, she's just a kid. But to me, life was supposed to be so damn different by now. I thought maybe a few dreams would be achieved or in the works, although I have no idea what they are. I thought that maybe I'd have a baby... by now. I thought that my husband would have never gotten injured and that our life would alway have been as perfect and flawless as it once seemed. I thought that maybe by now I would be happy, feel content and feel security about my future and it's direction.
And now none of this exists. EVERYTHING in my life is completely uncertain. Completely.
And I struggle with it every day... EVERY day. It consumes me, drags me down. It makes me feel as though if nothing I've wanted is in my posession now, it is too late. I am doomed. All hope is lost.
And now I have a mind full of regrets. A life full of mistakes I feel I've made. And I hate it.
If I could go back, I would have gone to college, never dated my first serious boyfriend... I wouldn't have so many "nevers." I would have dated more, made more time for me, made smarter decisions, choices I wanted to make that weren't influenced by ANYBODY.
But here I am and now what?
Will this misery pass? Will I feel that eventually, all is NOT lost and that I still have a lifetime of opportunites should I choose to make them happen?

And I keep wondering... why in the fuck am I here? At this place in my life? Somedays I feel like I'm going to completely lose it.

Just lose it.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Hello? Life, is that you?

So right after venting my fear and transition... I get a phone call. It's my husbands brother. He tells me Byron (my husband) is in the hospital.

I ask his brother if he is joking... this can't be happening.

Are you serious?... I ask again.

His tone turned to stone.. and he tells me that Byron's foot has been crushed and that they're rushing him to the hospital here.

My veins fill with adrenaline... and I break into tears. I fear the worst for him... that he no longer has a foot. I wonder... is he in shock? Is he crying? Is he afraid? I fear the worst for the person I love the most and all I can do is wait...

It's now 2:00... he should be to the hospital here in an hour... I can't wait to see him, kiss him and know that he's ok. I can't wait that long... I feel suspended in time, dangling for an update still.

(And earlier this day, I was consumed by things that are simply out of my control. I was absorbed by these issues that had woven me into a black web of self pity and doubt...
and now I've been pierced by something that has made me forget about all of that nothingness... I've been re-centered... reminded in an instant about what is truly important in this life and that things can change in a single phone call. I realized I can go from feeling lost, selfish, angry, resentful and spiteful to vulnerable, selfless, unconditionally concerned and short of breath all while my heart has been ripped out... and truly be reminded that in this life, all that really matters are the things we simply take for granted every day.)

Life has a funny way of slapping us in the face, reminding us that this time is precious and what a significant role all of the people so close to our hearts play in it.

So Byron's foot will be ok... it was severely crushed... all of his toes broken and pinned however, healing.
Life has thrown me into a true "transition"... funny how I felt that earlier that day nothing could feel more transitional... and now it IS, more than ever. Funny how I thought it was so bad and that I couldn't make it through the rest of the day, and then I was put throught something truly shifting... and I've survived. I shed a few tears, gained a couple pounds, have given more of myself than ever, but I've survived.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Fear & Transition

Currently, there is an abundance of transition taking place in my life. How I'd give anything right now to not have to be "grown up."

My husband is self employed; that is scary in itself. He owns a concrete company and is waiting to hear back on a bid that he placed... what if he doesn't get it? He says he's not worried, but my gut tells me differently.

Then there's our new house... expected to be finished in 60 days or so. Our mortgage will triple... god, did I just say triple? Hope things stay strong financially. (gulp)

Then I got a new job... I was excited. I was excited about a step up, a new opportunity, to be part of something bigger and to get the hell out of this job. Now I find that I may be working every weekend... what life will that leave me?

And now I feel stuck; what if this new job doesn't work out, what if I DO work every weekend... what if I just lose my life to this thing called work?

And yes, I always expect the worse. What exactly AM I thinking right now?........

-That my husband won't get the bid and that he'll be out of work or won't find enough work.
-That I'll have to work every weekend for eternity and won't see my husband and won't have a life or free time to myself... and that these circumstances will make my marriage weak.
-That I'll never have the courage to search out what it is that will drive me to the success I know I'm destined to create... that we'll end up stuck, again... god, I'm so scared of my life right now, of this past year of endless transition.

And at the same time, I've met this amazing new friend, Emily... she's two years younger than me and super driven. She was never handed anything in life, got into the real estate market here and is making hundreds of thousands of dollars... and she's 23. Granted she's beautiful and has a body any woman would kill for... but did that really assist her in her achievements? God, if it did I'm screwed.
But we're becoming great friends, and I have a yurning to talk with her, listen to her, hoping some of her ideas and positivity rub off on me. I want to know how she's gotten where she is and what kept her from not holding back... what kept her from not being afraid?! And I want to be her... I don't want to be me. I want to know what it's like to see something and just go for it; not doubting yourself an ounce. Not stopping until you've achieved what it is you set out for and drowning in the rewarding results. Am I even capable of that? I must ask myself.

But then I think too... did I meet Emily for a reason?

So here I am... head spinning in fear and self doubt... running from transition, expecting the world to end, the worst to occur... wanting more than anything to think differently.

I hate that today, all I see is blackness.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Day 15

... so I've made some modifications. By day 11 I felt as if the life had been drained from my very being. I kept feeling as if I was going to black out... had dizzy spells... so maybe just veggies and fruit isn't for me. I've incorporated good, lean proteins and I feel SO much better. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself... I really felt like a "failure" for awhile... but B helped me realize, not everyone can do that for 3 weeks... and I did it for a week and a half with ONLY fruits and veggies... and that makes me proud. So I'm focusing on keeping a clean diet and really being good to my body, exercising, being a "healthy person" but not depriving myself to the point of ridiculous and paying attention to what I need.

My biggest success so far... within the past year losing 20 pounds and going... and the best part, keeping it off. It feels good and even better that I've done it the right way.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Day 4...

I'm on day 4... which seems like an eternity! I began my purification diet... not a diet to lose weight necessarily, a diet to cleanse my body and rid me of cravings! Here's my diet: limited fruits, mostly any vegetables, and water/herbal tea. Exciting hu?
It amazes me how many things I would stuff in my face without thinking about it... and I'm not referring to an entire pan of fudge brownies, although I would kill for one right now, I'm referring to simple things like a slice of toast, crackers with my soup, dip with my veggies, dressing on my salad... never once did these insignificant, tasty additions once cross my mind.
Now I have to think of everything I eat... because my habits may lure me into a glass of milk, or slice of cheese without consciously knowing about it!

The awareness is so REAL and raw, but it feels good to be disciplined and have the power to do this. I only have 18 more days to go... OMG.. 18 days??!!?!? It feels like an eternity right now... no more dinner out on Saturday night with the hubby, beer after work or falling into temptation... I am alone with my veggies... and we shall conquer our battles with EVIL! We shall succeed...

Mean while, I'm stuffing my face with a vegetable soup my husband so lovingly created for me (bless his heart)... while inside, I'm dying just to dip a cracker in it!! And it's not that I COULDN'T have one however, any veering from this very particular diet could have adverse affects on it's effectiveness... so I refrain from my binging urges for that reason alone... I want this purification to do all it can for me.

I must be strong... the weekend nearing whispers in my ear of a brewery's "new beer release party"... for $5 you can have all the samples and appetizers you want... (GULP)!